Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Sock It To Me Louie

For anyone who doesn't know Louis CK is one of the funniest comedians working today. This doesn't always translate into a good show, in fact it did not in his 2006 vehicle Lucky Louie, but I still had reason to be pretty excited. On his second go-round Louis delivered in a big way.

Before I watched I was under the impression that Louie was to be your run of the mill "comedian makes sitcom" scenario. Refreshingly, the format looks to center around comedic vignettes. The show is semi-autobiographical, and interspersed around the vignettes we get to see Louis CK do some stand up that relates to what we are about to see (reminded me of Seinfeld a little, not a bad thing).

The show mirrors Louis stand-up material, taking dark and candid and ratcheting it up to a degree where it becomes surreal. On the pilot we see Louis on a first date going so poorly I could hardly watch. I was on the verge of breaking a sweat within the first sixty seconds.

Strangely the reason I stopped watching Lucky Louie was his strict adherence to his stand-up material in his show. It felt like I was just watching someone turn his act into a play. Now I'm literally watching him act out his jokes on-screen in a very literal way. I can't put my finger on why it is working for me this time, but it is.

I couldn't recommend this show more. In a summer bereft of good comedy this show is a breath of fresh air. It had me laughing my ass off and praying life isn't as bad as the picture Louis paints. Also, if you haven't caught his stand-up before add Chewed Up to your Netflix queue immediately.

The Robot Skeleton Army Wins!

In a heated contest that was locked in a three-way tie on the final day of voting Craig Ferguson inched ahead of David Letterman and Jon Stewart. Perhaps it could be said that skewed the results with my pro-Ferguson propaganda, but I would counter I'm just being fair and balanced. And now the madness:

Monday, June 28, 2010

Entourage Returns!

It's the beginning of summer and you know what that means, the boys are back! Never fear, Ari is here! OK, I'll be honest, I'm only excited because there is nothing else on. If this show came on in September it would probably be that show that I get a week or so behind on.

Entourage is a pretty fun show, but lets face it, it's the male equivalent of Real Housewives. It's the definition of fluff TV. How can I say this? Well let me just break down where we are in the show. Don't worry about spoilers because unless you haven't seen seasons 3-6 this will look very fucking familiar.
  • Vince is trying to resurrect his career
  • Ari is striving to become the biggest agent in Hollywood
  • Drama is struggling to find work
  • E (Kevin Connolly) is the worst actor on television
  • Turtle is a pointless character who brings nothing to the table
  • There are lots of hot chicks and cool cars to be seen
  • Lots of good cameos
  • Great soundtrack (Kudos for closing out the premiere to Gang Starr. Maybe whoever picks the music over there can give BET a little help on it's next awards show)
  • Sloan (Emmanuelle Chriqui) is possibly the hottest woman on television
That's pretty much it. It's actually kind of refreshing that nothing ever changes. I think if they tried to overextend too much the sub-par acting of most of the cast would be sorely exposed. And I am not sure the writers are really up to the task anyway.

I know this review comes off as pretty negative, but despite all of my misgivings I really do enjoy this show. And placing it in summer seems like a great fit. There's nothing better than sitting in my sweltering apartment on a Sunday night and thinking "Look at these lucky fuckers, he's gonna bang that broad AND he has central air. What a life!"

*Editor's Note: Ike lives in Seattle. His idea of sweltering is 73 degrees.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Who Is Your Favorite Late Night Host?

I've been obsessed with Late Night talk shows lately. I am not exaggerating when I say I watch three hours of them many nights thanks to the wonders of the DVR. There is something very old Hollywood to me about the entire genre. In fact I wrote an article about them back in January and since then someone has dethroned David Letterman as my favorite.

Guess who I voted for....

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Hawthorne: You Guessed It, Terrible

Let's face it, I knew before I even started this episode that this was not going to be a good show. I mean it's a show about a Nurse. What's next? A show about a Paralegal? Maybe a one-hour drama about the exciting life of a Meter Maid on the mean streets?

No one gives a shit about some nurse, we want to see the dashing Surgeon. Hawthorne's equivalent on House may as well be billed as "Lady Who Hands Stuff To House Before He Does Something Highly Unrealistic".

I had one reason to hold out hope that the show would be better than expected. The Shield and Life veteran Glen Mazzara serves as an Executive Producer and writer for Hawthorne. Unbeknownst to me he ALSO served as a writer for Nash Bridges. His Nash Bridges was definitely showing on the second season premiere. He gets full credit for this mess, as he even wrote this episode himself. His style of dialogue goes down about as smooth as a granite milkshake, made even worse by the fact that it's all delivered at a yell.

Example Dialogue:

Nurse Hawthorne: "They can't do that!"
Dr. Wakefield: "They just did."

Nurse Gail: "This is still my ER, I don't care what anyone says!"

Bill Buchanan
: "She's been here nearly 20 years, she knows where the bodies are buried!"
Nurse Hawthorne: "That's because she buried them!"

I have one piece of praise for the show. Whoever puts their commercials together does a great job of conveying what the show is about. In the commercials it looks like Hawthorne (the Nurse) yells at the Doctors (her bosses) and is the only person who knows what the fuck to do in an Emergency Room. This is EXACTLY what the show is about.

I guess some people really like Jada Pinkett-Smith. But for the life of me I can't remember being excited about anything she has done since Menace 2 Society. Sure, she was hot as shit in The Matrix trilogy. But she was one "woah" away from outstiffing Keanu Reeves on the screen. If you take a look at her IMDB page it's clear that Jada's shrewdest career move was marrying Will Smith.

The very premise of this show is fucking retarded. Fortunately with American Idol on hiatus there are plenty of retards looking for stuff to watch. 3.4 million viewers watched the premiere of the second season. Look people, I know Tuesday is slim pickings, but sometimes it's just time to read a book. And if you just can't do that then DVR an awesome show like The Good Guys on Monday and save it for Tuesday.

Poll Results And Tidbits

Final results in the "Have You Ever Ordered A Premium Cable Channel To See A Specific Show" came out Yes: 6 and No: 3. Seems about right to me.

Speaking of a previous poll, I received disk one of Chuck in the mail yesterday. Enjoyed the Pilot episode. Seemed a little clumbsy at time, but what pilot doesn't?

Still looking for guest posts, so if anyone is interested email me at

Jimmy Kimmel Live had some sort of partial power outage in their studio which knocked out the theirs cameras and some of the lighting. And in the grand tradition of Late Night TV the show still went on. Here is a clip of the opening of the show, all of which he recorded from his laptop.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Star Trek Deep Space 9

Don't get me wrong, I love the original Star Trek and even The Next Generation. But as far as I am concerned Star Trek peaked on television with the creation of Star Trek Deep Space 9. DS9 was the aggressive younger brother in the Star Trek family that wasn't above getting into a little scuffle every few weeks.

After the success of Star Trek:TNG Paramount was looking to cash in one more time on the Star Trek phenomenon. In what turned out to be a stroke of genius the shows creators chose to tell the story of an immobile star base and it's complement rather than the tried and true model of Captain and crew exploring the galaxy. This would have profound affects on the composition of the stories you could tell.

Having effectively eliminated their ability to beam down to a new planet every week and explore new cultures DS9 was forced to build their narrative in a more serial format. With plots taking place over the course of several episodes. Previously in the Star Trek universe this was a rarity. If you watched a random episode of The Next Generation the status quo was maintained so rigidly that your only indication as to which season you were watching was the status of William Riker's beard.

Plots on Deep Space 9 were both deeper and much darker. As the series wore on the political situation in the Federation deteriorated and the Federation found itself embroiled in a long drawn out war. Gone were the days of the saccharin sweet space exploring Federation, and DS9 did a great job of showing the ravages of war on every level.

Excellently conceived and well-written the show just gained steam season after season. And to satisfy those of us who wanted to see some bad ass space ship fights the Federation went ahead and stationed the USS Defiant at the station. As far as Star Trek ships go this was my all-time favorite.

The show also benefited from one of the stronger casts. Captain Sisko is right up there with Kirk and Picard in my list of Captains. Avery Brooks played him to perfection as we meet (then) Commander Sisko, a nearly broken man struggling with the loss of his wife. As time passes we get to watch as he gradually recovers from this tragedy. This frailty added a humanity to this character that his sometimes cartoonish predecessors had never been able to show.

The other real standout amongst the cast was Michael Dorn. Reprising his role as Worf, the shows reliance on character development served him well. The once one-dimensional Worf was allowed to become something far ore fascinating. His role as a Klingon outcast was examined and we got our first in-depth look into Klingon society (wow, that was a NERDY sentence).

I looked back at the ratings for this show, and they were surprisingly strong. It was the #1 show in syndication for several years of its run. But I can't help but think that if I walked up to a stranger on the street and asked if they knew who Captain Sisko was the answer would be "no".

Ducking The Shark?

Whatever the opposite of "jumping the shark" is True Blood did that last night. If you felt, as I did, that True Blood was listing aimlessly last season Beautifully Broken righted the ship in an exciting 60 minutes. This episode was good enough to warrant a second viewing.

You know who else likes True Blood? Snoop Dogg. Unfortunately he chooses to tell us this via rap. One might say that on the same night True Blood Ducked The Shark Snoop Dogg Jumped The Shark. If this was Lost I'm sure this would have some deep meaning.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Friday Poll

Poll closes Tuesday at midnight.

And a little random Cosby awesomeness to make your Friday:

Late Night Liars Video

After my review of Late Night Liars someone affiliated with the Game Show Network contacted me and sent some video links to post here. Here is my favorite. They were labeled "Too Hot For TV" so don't play it at work, unless you work at a truck stop.

If you liked that check Late Night Liars out tonight at 11:00 PM on the Game Show Network.

Battle Of The Stache

Network television is about to heat up this fall. Never one to shy away from a challenge, Tom Selleck is coming out of retirement to answer the challenge of The Good Guys Bradley Whitford and his mega-mustache. Not much is known about his new show other than it is called Blue Bloods and is a police drama on CBS. So if you are over fifty I am sure you are quite excited.

Tom Selleck remains undefeated in mustache battles, but some question whether he can still bring it at his advanced age. Many consider his battles with Edward James Olmos in the mid 80's to be the greatest in the history of mustachedom. Had it not been for the inadvertent slip of a barber's razor some argue that Edward James Olmos could have prevailed.

Like any great Selleck has been blessed with many such lucky breaks. After losing by decision to Sam Elliott in 1993 the decision was quickly overturned by governing body of the MWA when it was discovered that Elliott had been using Rogaine on his upper lip to enhance the thickness of his trademark handlebar mustache.

Sources close to Selleck say he started training months ago. "He started eating his all salmon and beans diet as soon as he saw the first commercial for The Good Guys. He had that look in his eye.", said Selleck confidante John Hillerman. He also reportedly shaved for a week straight. In mustacheer circles this is known as the "New Growth Technique" and is favored primarily in eastern Europe.

Having covered Tom Selleck during his prime in the eighties and nineties I am not convinced he has any chance of winning this. Bradley Whitford is a wunderkind like we haven't seen in the mustache world before. His publicist insists that he grew his mustache for The Good Guys in a scant two days. He also is rumored to need titanium scissors just to trim his mustache every morning.

One thing is for sure, we are in for a battle of the ages. Wouldn't we all like to answer questions like "How would Babe Ruth do in today's game"? Well for mustache enthusiasts, like myself, we do get to answer that question.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

She Is No Tony Soprano

True Blood is back! Just like everyone else I was super excited for the premiere of season three. A sloppy sophomore effort that spun way out in the second half is a distant memory easily pushed aside.

Without too much detail the new season started off fairly well. The much ballyhooed werewolves look a million times less silly than their Twilight counterparts. The secret? Using real wolves. What a shocker. Real vs CGI wins again, just like it has every single time someone has used CGI in a scene that could have been completed without it.

I do, however, have one rather large problem with this show. I can't stand Sookie Stackhouse. She makes me grind my teeth. I haven't seen enough of Anna Paquin's work to tell if she is a bad actress or if her character is poorly written. Considering that most of the female characters in True Blood seem one dimensional I'm inclined to give her a bit of a pass. Although I found her similarly irritating as Rogue in the X-Men movies.

She is HOT though

Sookie is played as a naive and sheltered southern girl, times ten. After a while it gets really tiresome. I think I'm supposed to be excited that this waif of a girl is so precocious and unimpressed by the powerful supernatural beings around her. But week after week of her babe in the woods routine getting her into trouble only to be bailed out by Bill Compton gets a little ridiculous. How about she shows the ability to think? That seems like a nice bit of character development to me at least.

I don't recall ever enjoying a show in which I disliked the main character. In fact I am not sure most of my favorite shows would have been worth watching had they killed off the main character. The Shield minus Vic Mackey equals me changing the channel. And the Sopranos? Forgetaboutit. So in a way, that's a pretty big endorsement for the rest of the show.

With or without Sookie, I will continue to watch. The show is quite enjoyable, even when it's not necessarily good television I still find it to be fun television. But if they killed off Sookie Stackhouse next week? I would dance a jig and mentally bump True Blood up my list of favorite shows several notches.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Late Night Liars

As far as the premise for a show goes, this one is tough to beat. Late Night Liars is a game show where two contestants try to figure out which puppets are lying to them. It's produced by Henson Alternative which is the "mature" division of The Jim Henson Company. By mature I think they mean immature with bad words, which sounds like a good description of myself now that I think about it...

Having heard about this show god knows where I could not wait to check it out. It's hosted by the sublimely funny Larry Miller for the Game Show Network. I'm not going to lie, I didn't even know this network made it's own shows. I was under the impression it was a Monty Hall marathon.

Larry Miller does an excellent job of interacting with the puppets, especially in light of the fact that this it is not a scripted show. Each puppet has a specific personality (example: the Joan Rivers knockoff Shelly Oceans) and schtick. Everyone has a drink, be they human or felt, which gives it a nice 70's feel.

I have never been one to watch a game show before, but between foul-mouthed puppets and the ever funny Larry Miller my viewership was guaranteed before they aired the first episode. I tuned in and was not disappointed. After watching the first episode it looks like it could be the best puppet show since Crank Yankers. Check it out on Game Show Networks, Thursday at 11:00 PM.

Larry Miller's Classic 5 Stages Of Drinking Bit

Friday, June 11, 2010

FlashForward Protest Video

A nicely done video of the various Blackouts yesterday. Looks like some of the other events were much better attended. I particularly liked the guys on the teeter totter. Nice touch.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Protest, Crazy Security Guard, and Public Embarrassment

As a fan of FlashForward and a TV Blogger I could not pass up the chance to attend an actual protest down at the local ABC affiliate's office here in Seattle. It seemed like it would be a lot of fun and super dorky, which is right up my alley.

Unfortunately a demonstration consisting of three protesters looks more like one of those creepy anti-smoking commercials than a protest. Especially when the demonstration is to culminate in all members participating in a two minute and seventeen second blackout.

I stopped on my way to the demonstration and bought a couple of balloons onto which I taped "SAVE FLASHFORWARD" signs. In a world without wind, this was a brilliant idea. Unfortunately I live in a world where these balloons spent the next hour treating my head like a speed bag. I showed up at 10:40 AM, 20 minutes prior to the beginning of the protest in the hopes of getting a good spot and interviewing some of my fellow protesters.

Well, I had my choice of spots. However no one else had bothered to show up early so looks like no interviews. Maybe afterward I thought. Fifteen minutes passed before the next person arrived. It turns out that being the only person at a protest is kind of embarrassing. Everyone looks at you like you are crazy. I eventually began to question my own sanity.

Thankfully Amanda, the organizer, showed up at 10:55 AM. She had a very good looking sign, it looked exactly like the logo on the opening title of the show. She was quite nice, and was just as surprised as I was to see that none of the other 30 people who had RSVP'd had bothered to show up. Within a couple of minutes our group picked up it's third blacker outer and that was it.

With our numbers trebled security could no longer turn a blind eye to our rabble rousing. A security guard approached us to ask what was going on. When Amanda tried to explain he told us he doesn't watch TV. Rather than leaving it there he divulged that this was because Ecclesiastes in the bible says "There is nothing new under the sun." He then referenced something about Plato and Aristotle which I couldn't quite understand. He also alluded to the fact that the oil spill may cause the end of the world twice in our short conversation.

When Amanda told him the premise of the show he then compared it to Star Trek IV. Thankfully he went on to explain what happened in Star Trek IV. Seriously dude?! I have a tattoo of the Batman symbol on my arm and I am standing in front of a TV station to protest the cancellation of a Sci Fi show. You think I haven't seen Star Trek IV? If I were Fisher Plaza I would hire Security Guards to keep the crazy people out, rather than hiring crazy Security Guards.

After we got up to a full fighting compliment of three we weren't sure what to do. The Blackout was to have been at 11:17 AM, but no one was here yet. We went ahead and stalled until 11:30 AM to give people time to show up, which they did not. Amanda tried to recruit some passersby to no avail. I think it is hard to sell people on "participating in a global blackout." In fact I think some of the people she spoke to may think we were terrorists.

During our extended wait Security Guard #2 sprung into action. Or more precisely, rolled into action. There are two buildings at Fisher Plaza. They are approximately 30 feet apart from entrance to entrance. If you were going to exit building 1 and enter building 2 you could probably cover it on foot in 10 seconds. That's not how Security Guard #2 rolls! (rimshot) He jumped on his Segway and traversed the distance in eight seconds flat. I can't stop obsessing about him using his Segway to go 30 feet. Why the hell does he even have a Segway?

11:30 AM strikes, and we make our grand display. We all gently collapse to the ground. This is the true genius of the balloons. I figured it would look kind of dramatic if they floated away when we blacked out. Unfortunately it appears that our camera person was unfamiliar with the camera and failed to tape our actual blackout. It appears that our only footage is of three adults lying on the ground. We are if nothing else consistent. We failed on this thing in just about every way possible.

Surprisingly after our three person performance piece the ABC executives did not send a delegation out to announce that we had swayed them from canceling FlashForward. But it was nice to meet some people who felt passionate about the show. And now the next time my mom starts talking my ear off about marching in the 60's, guess what bitch! I was there on the front lines when John Cho was forced to make Harold and Kumar 3 to make ends meet. Where were you!?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Last Comic Standing

I despise American Idol with a passion. I've never watched any of the Dancing Competition shows (save for Adam Carolla's short stint on Dancing With The Stars) but already hate them too. And the idea that a bunch of yahoos are watching a talent show like America's Got Talent makes my blood boil.

So when I tuned into Last Comic Standing my mouth was watering at the idea of shitting all over it. If we've learned anything from this blog it's that I am an idiot. Why would I expect a show with Greg Giraldo and Craig Robinson to be anything but funny?

As much as I dislike the reality contest format, getting a bunch of comedians together is uniquely suited for this. I'm sure I will never really care who wins the season, that will be secondary to how many times Giraldo can burn the contestants and his co-hosts.

And so far, some of the aspiring comedians are pretty decent. Craig Robinson is charismatic as always. Andy Kindler and Natasha Leggero round out the judges panel, and while I am not familiar with either of them, both seemed quite funny and insightful (i.e. didn't sound like Randy Jackson).

I guess I only have one real complaint. As much as I enjoyed watching this show, I am certain that I would enjoy a sitcom starring Craig Robinson and Greg Giraldo much more. It's almost a waste to take two of the funniest people alive and make them listen to other people tell jokes. That being said, I'm just glad to see Greg Giraldo on my TV in any format.

Ike Diamonds Top Three Comics Working Today List:

1 - Dave Attelle

2 - Chris Rock

3 - Greg Giraldo

* Dave Chappelle immediately vaults to the number one spot on here if he puts out another special/tours again.

Justified Most Popular New Show

Not much of a surprise, Justified won the most popular new show this week. Everyone I've talked to who has seen this show falls in love with it. Final standings:
1st - Justified
2nd - Community
3rd (tie) - Treme and FlashForward

Good taste people!

Your reward is a clip of a live performance of Straight Outta Compton before the curtain went up at the Fallon show with The Roots and Ice Cube:

Straight Outta Computon
A minor typo gave me a great idea for a Sci Fi comedy: Straight Outta Computon. I'm picturing a robot, past it's warranty and designated for decommissioning. But wait! He's become self aware (I keep trying to warn you Craig Ferguson, this shit happens EVERY time)and manages to make good his escape. After that I'd pretty much just rip off old Alf scripts and toss my robot into Alf's shoes so I could hammer a check. I'd watch that half-ass mess I just made up over Two And A Half Men any day.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

FlashForward Protest Press Release

Today I received a press release from Amanda Micona, the organizer for the local protest of ABC's cancellation of the fantastic show FlashForward. Take a gander:


Fans to Gather in New York, Detroit, Atlanta, Chicago, LA, Seattle, North Carolina and growing.

Canada ,London, Germany, Brazil and Italy

To Protest Cancellation of ABC TV Show

SEATTLE – Fans around the world are outraged at the cancellation of ABC Television’s FlashForward and are staging a Global Blackout of 2:17 seconds duration or an en masse picket march and demonstration to bring attention to a fan campaign to save the sci-fi show.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

100 Fourth Avenue North
Seattle, WA 98109-4997

11:00 AM

FlashForward, adapted for television by Brannon Braga and David S. Goyer, aired between September 24, 2009 and May 27, 2010. The show was based on the 1999 novel Flashforward by Canadian science fiction writer Robert J. Sawyer.

The show’s premise is based on a mysterious event, which causes everyone on the planet to black out for two minutes and 17 seconds on October 6, 2009. During the global blackout or GBO, those that lost consciousness saw FlashForwards or visions of their lives six months into the future.

A team of Los Angeles FBI agents led by Stanford Wedeck (Courtney B. Vance) and spearheaded by Mark Benford (Joseph Fiennes) and his partner Demetri Noh (John Cho) start investigating what happened to determine the cause of the blackout and if another one will occur.

The fan campaign sprung up worldwide moments after ABC announced the show would not be renewed for a second season. Dozens of Facebook pages were created, including Save FlashForward, BringBackFlashForward, Against FlashForward Cancellation, Do Not Cancel FlashForward, Stop FlashForward Being Cancelled, and many more. Fans set up an online “SAVE FLASHFORWARD” petition and in the first 48 hours, over 6,000 signatures were collected, and fan sites are still counting! This is not the first time fans banded together to try and get a show reinstated; the original Star Trek, Jericho, even Chuck, gained a reprieve after fan intervention. But what’s different with the FlashForward movement is that International fans have also joined US viewers in the effort! People from Spain, UK, Italy, Russia, Germany, Portugal, South Africa, Australia, Canada, Turkey, Argentina, Brazil and many more have formed a virtual TV United Nations in order to Bring FlashForward Back. Friendship bracelets, calendars, green jellybeans, letters, emails and phone calls have been flooding into ABC offices and the desk of ABC entertainment head Stephen McPherson to return the show to the airwaves.

For Information about the event:!/event.php?eid=128601070491603&ref=ts

Contact: Amanda
Save FlashForward - ABC we want a Season 2

I am planning on going down there and checking it out. I encourage anyone who for whatever reason won't be working at that time to do the same. If nothing else it should be fun. Plus the show was REALLY good.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Fan Mail

As you can imagine writing a big-time TV blog like DVR Assassin leads to tons of fan mail. I try to respond to each and every e-mail personally (although when I get behind I just tell the interns to reply and sign my name to them) and sometimes I'll even spell your name right.

I would like to start sharing some of the more memorable e-mails from time to time.

From: Tiffany Simms, Seattle, WA

Every time I read your blog I am amazed. You take a deep and layered show like Lost and make it sound so one-dimensional. It's almost like you are watching an entirely different show that belongs on Telemundo.

Ike Diamonds: Thank you very much Tiffany, hearing from a true fan really means a lot. I am glad I was able to take Lost and make it so much easier to understand. My spanish is a little rusty but let me give this a whirl in appreciation. Yo asno de queso de corazón Tiffany.

From: Greg Bellows, Freshoffabloggersass, NM

You are a bad writer. Why do you waste your time on this stupid blog.

Ike Diamonds: Thanks Greg! It's my goal to be the baddest writer in all of blogdom. I'll just keep plugging away at my stupid fresh blog. And while it may seem like I am wasting my talent by providing this content for free, keep reading and you'll see where it pays off! (I am well-versed in all forms of slanguage. To the untrained eye that probably looked like an insulting e-mail rather than the glowing endorsement it was)

From: Talib Odiaka, Abuja, Nigeria

My name is Mr. Talib Odiaka.I work in the credit and accounts department of Union Bank of NigeriaPlc,Lagos, Nigeria. I write you in respect of a foreign customer with a Domicilliary account. His name is Engineer Manfred Becker. He was among those who died in a plane crash here in Nigeria
during the reign of late General Sani Abacha.

He has left $18.5m dollars in an unclaimed account. Dear sir, it is my wish to share this money with you. If you would be so generous as to provide your Social Security Number and your address I would be very pleased. Upon receipt you will just need to fly here to Nigeria to receive this money.

Ike Diamonds: Well, just as I said, my hard work has finally paid off! This adoring fan has kindly offered to share this fortune with me. I had to cut off a good portion of the rest of the e-mail as it got kind of boring. Stuff like "don't tell the authorities" and "come alone" and "do you have both of your kidneys still?", you know, the usual. Anyway, I'm flying out tomorrow, so wish me luck!

PS - This will probably be the last post that doesn't involve me taking pictures of myself in a Ferrari after I get that $18.5 million.

I can never get enough Les Grossman, from last night's MTV Movie Awards

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Chuck Wins Poll

Looks like I better move Chuck Season 1 to the top of my Netflix queue.  Chuck won a tight race over Rescue Me and Supernatural. And after seeing this cheesy promo for the new season of Rescue Me I couldn't be happier.

Stick around to the end and catch Jeter giving us the "These are the real heroes" look

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Biggest Gainer

The Real Biggest Loser?  People who watch The Biggest Loser.  It's a sad state of affairs when people are watching an hour long show about dieting and exercise. ESPN runs the same programming at 4:00 AM, it's called infomercials.

Am I really supposed to get inspired because some housewife from Milwaukee went from 270 lbs to 225 lbs? And do I give even one shit if the lady keeps the weight off?  Besides we all know obesity is a problem on it's way out.  After all, we watched Shaq eradicate childhood obesity back in 2007.

Allow me to pitch a show that even a Reality Show Hater like myself would watch: The Biggest Gainer. Bring twelve skinny people into a house full of Twinkies and fast food. Maybe even set up a deep fat fryer and have it attended 24 hours a day by a pimply faced teen. Winner of the show is whoever can gain the most fat in six weeks.

Proposed Contests For The Biggest Gainer:
  • Who can consume the most calories in a 24 hour period
  • Give each contestant a goal. Whoever accomplishes said goal while burning the least calories wins
  • Who can eat the most boiled eggs in a single sitting. Anyone who vomits is disqualified
  • Who can make a "smoothie" with the most calories in it. One catch you have to be able to drink this concoction

Isn't this what Reality TV is about? People embarrassing themselves for our amusement.  From Puck on, that's the deal the American audience has struck with these people. We will make your no-talent ass famous as long as you will put on a good show, get drunk, and make out with random people in a hot tub. As in all situations, bonus points if this leads to two chicks kissing.

I'm sorry, this current breed of Reality TV sucks.  I don't want to see people crying because someone remodeled their house for them after their husband got deployed to Afghanistan. I want them crying because they found out they got herpes when they got wasted and banged that random chick they brought home from the bar.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A Pattern of Plagarism?

Band of Brothers Promotional Art 2001

Lost Promotional Art 2004

After my big discovery I googled and saw that someone else had already noticed this, and talked about it. Fuck that guy.  And in light of last week's revelation I thought this was very illuminating in the Coincidence vs Plagarism debate.

In all seriousness, that is bizarre right? It's not like Band Of Brothers wasn't a smash success right?  Why not make an add in neon pink and turquoise and rip off Miami Vice while you are at it?

Your chance to pick my next show ends tonight at midnight. As I type this we are locked in a three-way between Chuck, Supernatural and Rescue Me.  Vote people!